You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
