He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
