My nipple is on Facebook.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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