just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
