Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
