Capitaan dildo arrescate!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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