i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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