She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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