OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
