Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
