I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
