I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
