So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
