you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
