I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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