I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Please don't give away my fajitas
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
