Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
