"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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