I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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