Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
