i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
