i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize