I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
