They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
