i already hear my dad disowning me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
