chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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