I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She even gives head with a lisp.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
