Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
