dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
