I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
