Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
