It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
