break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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