My nipple is on Facebook.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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