i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
