he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
