There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think my mom watched the whole time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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