I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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