Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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