Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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