I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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