I hope mine doesn't look like that
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
