Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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