An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Oh god it's open bar.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
