I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
