Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
