My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
