So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is my gift to your gina
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
