You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
