I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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