I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
COCAINE IS GR8
Never underestimate the power of titties
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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