Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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