How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
