Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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