the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
