"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
