My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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